Pity Party

Yeah, I'm just gonna wallow for a moment. Because lately I feel like the most hideous fugly bitch in the world.

My new job? Ya, I got hired because their last receptionist was hot and distracted men from their work in the office. Despite having no qualifications in receptionist work and no experience, I was hired basically the second I walked into the room. I'm 99% sure it's because my boss took one look at me and thought, "well she's not gonna be a problem." Nice.

My friends? The boys think a compliment is saying all I need to be one of them is a penis. The girls console me with trite expressions about having a funny personality, or nice hair. Shit you say to fat chicks or ugly chicks to make them feel better.

My boyfriend? If I was jumping up and down in front of him, bare ass naked and looking for attention, he'd ask me to move a little to the left so he could see the tv. It's not that he doesn't love me, I know he does. But a lot of the time I find it hard to believe he's attracted to me. He *says* he is when I'm upset about it, but those are just words. So far, there hasn't been much action to contradict that.

I guess I'm most upset about the last one. The job - whatever, I don't want to be attractive to 50 year old men. The friends - I'm used to it. I'm used to being the plain one, the unpretty one, the one with the personality, the guy's girl, the nerd, whatever else I've been called. That's just life, isn't it? I've had it since I was little and it doesn't bother me too much anymore.

But with the boyfriend I thought maybe there was one person in the universe who actually thought I was attractive. Even better, *he's* gorgeous and sweet and funny and way better than I deserve or ever thought I'd end up with.

I guess he just really likes my fucking personality too. =(

/end pity party

Stages of Progress

If I don't have something to aim for, I tend to fly into a panic.

I wasn't aware of this until May, when I graduated college. Until now, my life has always been neatly segmented for me; Autumn semester, Halloween break, winter semester, Christmas break, spring semester, midterm break with a vacation, summer semester, summer break where I earn enough money in the first half to go on vacation in the second half... I mean, obviously it started to get more in depth than that once I hit college and started working, then taking vacation mid-year and stuff. But always in the back of my mind was that 'school calendar' that dictated my life. And I had a *goal* at the end of it. I was studying for a degree, there was always another essay deadline to meet or another exam to study for.

And then it stopped.

The first couple of months of lazing around were nice, my vacation was even nicer, but then I got home and suddenly it occurred to me that I didn't have a goal anymore. I had an ultimatum - get a fulltime job, or die of starvation and poverty. So I got a real job. But that was it - goal achieved. This job is not rocket science, I'm not learning anything. I'm not going to be tested on my phone manner. This is IT.

So I started to focus on what happens *next*. Where do I want to go now? The obvious answer, to me, was that I want to be where my boyfriend is. The problem with that is, my boyfriend lives in a different country, so that involves visas and endless amounts of cash and huge commitments. At first, he wasn't as keen on the idea because he still hasn't reached that stage where he's done everything and needs a new goal. So it was less a solution to his problems, and more of another huge Thing to add to his list of Things He Has To Do. But after a while the idea started to grow on him (or my haranguing wore him down, I'm not sure which =p) and I was given the go-ahead to work on my New Goal.

But *that* goal is bigger than him, me, my job, his job, and anything we could possibly imagine. So, once again, panic set in. And when I panic, I get depressed. So I wasn't really have the best summer so far. Then the boyfriend, wonderful creature that he is, spoke to wiser and better minds and fixed a couple of my major panicky issues for me.

Now, I've decided I need to avoid that again by going back to stages. I spent (a lot) of money inventing two new stages; an October vacation to see the boyfriend in LA, and a December visit from the boyfriend to Ireland. If I just focus on them, on earning money for them, on sorting out the things I need for them, and on planning what we'll do during those trips, then I'll be okay.

So I guess you could say I have another new goal - just don't think about Life After Christmas. =p

Friendly Qualities

I'm not the kind of person who makes friends very easily, or trusts very easily. Conversely, I *am* the kind of person who will take a lot of shit off people just to keep the peace, or because I assume I deserve it for one reason or another. Recently, I've been thinking a lot about the different friends I've encountered in my life, and what qualities make a true friend.

Of course I have the 'best' friends that I can talk to, seek advice from, have fun with. The girls, in particular, have been with me through most of my school years and I figure we'll always be friends, no matter where we all end up. A lot of it is down to the fact that we've been together so long it's become more like an extended family unit, rather than a group of friends. Some of them are less inclined to stick together than others, but it's been so many years at this stage that no matter how much we grow and change, it's habit to remain with each other.

I have the boys as well, who I don't see as much as I'd like to in recent times, but a lot of that is my own fault. The boys and myself get together strictly on a drinks and fun times basis most of the time, and I haven't been in a very fun mood lately so I haven't met up with anyone. As well as that, once college breaks up for the summer and people realise they have other commitments in life, it becomes less important to arrange those weekend nights out together, and before you know it, four months have flown past where you haven't seen the people you would usually spend 60% of your week with.

Internet friends are another slightly more unusual group that I seem to have amassed. Most of them are people I chat with occasionally on a very casual basis - not that they aren't nice people, because I wouldn't be friendly with them if they weren't. I met most of them on a messageboard dedicated to a particular author, so we would have some similar interests. As well as that, a couple of them are around my age and we're all in and out of college, jobs and relationships, so it's good to have people who are not 'involved' in your life, but you can still bounce ideas and opinions off. I've also met a couple of people who have become as close as family to me, definitely ranking in the 'best friend' category. And, nerdy as this makes me, it was through internet friendships that myself and my boyfriend found each other.
However, despite the fact that some of the best people in my life are people I got to know before I ever met them in the real world, I'm wary of making any more friends online. I've had a couple of experiences with complete nutjobs who not only served to put me through a really difficult time emotionally, but also spread around a lot of lies and false gossip that essentially ruined the messageboard I had been a part of so I no longer frequent it.

So what is it that makes a good friend? This is the question that has been on my mind for the past few months. What qualities are essential in someone you trust with your secrets and your dreams, and someone you hope will have your best interests at heart when you need their help?
A fun personality? A shoulder when you need it? Faith in your abilities to achieve what you want out of life? A ready store of advice to call on should you be in doubt? Unfailing honesty? Someone who will take an interest in what's most important to you?

In the past couple of months, I've been having some major Issues with pretty much every aspect in my life; college, lovelife, where I'm going, how I'm getting there, what I want... But it seems like the more complicated my problems get, the less most of my friends are available. There are some - those whom I would consider solid best friends that I confide everything in - who have actually point blank refused to talk about/help with a couple of those issues I'm having. So here I am, stuck somewhere between confused and depressed, and the only other person who's really willing to help me figure this out is the one other person who is far too involved to be objective.

So is it that I expect too much of people? Is being an adult really all about relying on yourself for help and nobody else, because other people don't need your problems too? I didn't think so. I would like to think that if my friends were going through a difficult time, I'd do what I could to be there for them. Then again, maybe I only say that because it's never been put to the test. My problems are not everybody else's, so why should they burden themselves, right?

I didn't start this with the sole intention of whining about poor little me, that's not what this blog space is for. It's just somewhere anonymous to put my thoughts and maybe work some things out in my head.

Oops. I'll do better next time, I promise. =p

The Opener

Because you always have to have one of those. The first post is probably the most awkward, nobody quite knows what they want to say or whether anybody else will even care once they've said it.

Sometimes, I can't breathe. How's that for an opener?

I think I decided to create this space for a number of reasons, and one of them is not breathing anymore. I guess over time, as I write more, it will become clear why this is and how I came to be like this. Maybe it won't. It all depends on how well I convey my thoughts, how good my writing is after 5 years of refusing to practice it - another reason this blog came to be.

Rule #1; Never give away the plot on the first page.

And so I'll talk about breathing, because today was a day I couldn't breathe. I don't think it's anything even vaguely interesting, like anxiety or a panic attack. Sometimes I'll be thinking about the Issues, sometimes - like today - I'll just be staring at a menu trying to figure out what to eat for lunch. Sometimes it just wakes me up at three, four, five am. For no particular reason, everything just stops for a couple of seconds and I realise I'm not taking a breath, my chest is refusing to expand. Then it passes and instead I'm sucking in huge lungfuls of air like an asthmatic. The first few times it happened was a little scary, but now I'm used to it so my biggest concern is not looking like a complete nutcase in public.

Thought for the day;

When nobody else will do it for you, how do you start rescuing yourself?